


Counterclockwise

by HidansCrazyLaugh



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Australia, Gen, Humor, M/M, Toilet humor, Voyeurism, i can't remember what tags to use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 23:29:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21107765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HidansCrazyLaugh/pseuds/HidansCrazyLaugh
Summary: Kakuzu thinks he caught Hidan watching porn in the middle of the night but he was actually watching videos of toilets flushing while texting Deidara, Kakuzu wishes it had been porn because it ends up costing him a lot of money.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at: 2018-05-04   
Thanks to Frozs who answered my numerous toilet questions.

Kakuzu woke up in the middle of the night, cold and found that he was alone, and that Hidan had never come to bed, his side was still neatly made. Sitting up, he saw a soft glow from the other room and heard Hidan making strange noises, as if he was trying to be quiet.

Deciding that he must be watching porn, Kakuzu crept out of the bedroom and snuck up behind Hidan, expecting to find him masturbating but instead he found him fully clothed, if you count boxers fully clothed, and his dick was not in his hand, and instead of porn, he was watching a video of a toilet flushing.

“What the hell are you doing, Hidan?” Kakuzu demanded, “What is that?”

Hidan, startled, jumped up in his chair with a scream and turned to see Kakuzu standing there, “What the hell, Kakuzu?!” His face and throat were turning red from embarrassment and he was glaring hard at Kakuzu.

“Toilet videos? I thought you were out here watching some weird porn.”

“I only watch porn with you.” Hidan said.

“Why are you watching toilet videos?”

“You’ll think it’s stupid.”

With a sigh, Kakuzu shook his head, “I think a lot of things you do are stupid. Why are you watching these?”

“Well...because I heard that the drains swirl clockwise in the northern hemisphere and counterclockwise in the southern, and that on the equator they go straight down and don’t swirl at all, unless you tilt it or something, then it can go both ways, but why would you be able to tilt a toilet...”

Kakuzu laughed, and Hidan ground his teeth together.

“See?! That’s why I didn’t want to tell you!”

“Where did you hear this from?”

“Deidara, he was watching old Simpson's episodes and-”

Hidan was interrupted by several text alerts on Hidan’s phone, he grabbed it from the table and read them, they were from Deidara, ‘you cant relly see but i think it went backward’ 'you hav to lok close' ‘i have a grat ide!’ and finally 'its late i cant type'

Kakuzu had read the texts over Hidan’s shoulder, “You are both idiots...he’s been watching them, too?”

“We’ve been watching them together and discussing them.” Hidan looked more ashamed at admitting that than he would have if Kakuzu had caught him watching porn.

“It’s late, Hidan, and cold. Come to bed.” Kakuzu said, “Watch your toilet videos tomorrow while I’m at work and you laze about.”

“Fine…” Hidan got up and texted Deidara back that he was going to bed, and followed Kakuzu to the bedroom and curled up against Kakuzu’s back and fell asleep.

* * *

The next morning, around eleven, Deidara came by and they continued watching the videos.

“Look!” Deidara shouted, “It’s going backwards!”

“No it’s not!” Hidan shouted, pausing the video and then putting it in slow motion, “See!”

“Damn…” Deidara clicked on another video and another, none were conclusive in proving the drains swirled counterclockwise as it wasn't easy to tell.

“Well, there’s just one thing to do.” Hidan said after they had watched nearly all the videos on the subject.

“What’s that?”

“We’ll have to go to Australia or someshit.”

“Australia or someshit?” Deidara repeated, “Sounds great.”

“Yeah, we’ll make sure there’s a layover at the equator, I gotta see the drain just go straight down.”

“Yeah, that’d be wild, hm.” Deidara nodded, “Alright, let’s check flights.”

They discovered there were no flights to Australia with layovers at the equator, and the were all non-stop, and so they decided they could just stay in Ecuador and while they were planning their trip, Kakuzu got home, “Hidan, Deidara, did you have a productive day watching toilet videos while I did actual work?”

“Nope, they didn’t prove shit to us, so we’re planning a trip to Ecuador and Australia to find out for ourselves.”

“No.” Kakuzu let Hidan kiss him, thinking it would just be an innocent peck on the lips since Deidara was there, but no, he had to turn it into something that belonged in a porno, ending it with Kakuzu pushed against a wall and Hidan grinding on him and moaning into his mouth.

“Damn.” Deidara said, “I uh, could leave if you want?”

Kakuzu shoved Hidan off of him and went into the bathroom and slammed the door.

“Nah, stay, it was just a welcome home kiss.” Hidan shrugged, “So, that trip.” They decided on an itinerary and when Kakuzu came out of the bathroom, Hidan showed him what they had planned.

“I already told you, no.” Kakuzu shook his head, “This is stupid.”

“It’s for science!” Hidan argued, “You like science, you’re a...I don’t really know what you do, but you like intelligent shit.”

Deidara laughed and Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

“Please, Kuzu?” Hidan begged, “You never even took me on a honeymoon…”

“We got married in Vegas, that was our honeymoon.” Kakuzu reminded him, “The answer is no, this is a waste of money and there is no good reason to go to any of these places just to flush toilets.”

Deidara had been waiting for this and spoke up, “I might have a friend in Australia. He’s looking to invest in an international company, Kakuzu, and you own a company that is looking for investors.”

This had his attention, “Oh? How much are we talking about? And why haven't you mentioned this to me before?”

“A lot, like, millions. And I just remembered him.”

Hidan made a face, trying to decide if Deidara was making this up or not, he had never heard of Deidara knowing anyone in Australia.

“But he’s weird and insists on meeting in person.”

“Then he can spend his money and come here to meet with me.” Kakuzu said, “Sorry, Hidan, but there’s not going to be a trip for you anywhere unless you trip out on some drugs.”

“I might just do that.”

“No.” Kakuzu said.

“But…”

“No, you already went through rehab. Twice...”

“Kakuzu, my friend is a bit...odd, he won't meet with you without someone he knows who also knows you, so that would be moi." Deidara placed his hand on his chest, "You see, it's so sad. He suffered a very traumatic childhood experience where his parents were killed in a plane crash and his grandmother didn’t tell him for over a year, and now he refuses to fly anywhere. He has the money, he wants to invest to be financially secure as his art is absolute garbage and will never make him a dime but he can’t fly to meet you here.”

Not wanting to miss such an opportunity, Kakuzu asked for his contact information and went into the bedroom to send an email.

“Are you fucking with him?” Hidan asked, “Because if you are, he will murder you and I am not joking.”

“I’m not, it’s all true, hm.” Deidara said, “We met when my parents took me there when I went to an art school for a year. I stayed at his place.”

"So you two fucked."  
  
"No. We hated each other, his art," Deidara laughed, "is the worst!!"

“Huh, I never knew you’ve been out of the country.”

“You never asked.”

“Deidara.” Hidan said, “We have been watching videos of toilets flushing for the last three days, it never crossed your mind to tell me you’ve been there?! And that you know someone, we could have face timed him and had him flush-”

Deidara slapped his hand over Hidan's mouth, “Shhh!! You want to go to Australia or not?” 

* * *

A week later the three of them were crammed into a row of three seats on a non-stop flight to Australia, “Kakuzu...I wanted to sit by the window.” HIdan whined for the fifteenth time, at 35,000 feet in the air, and Kakuzu wanted to open the window and throw him out.

“Enough, Hidan, this is the seat I was assigned to. You get the aisle.”

“Yeah, but, I want to sit there. Fuck, man, just trade with me. I like to see out the window!”

“Oh my god…” Deidara groaned, “Hidan, enough, you want this seat?”

“No. I want that one.” He pointed to the seat Kakuzu was sitting in.

“Please stop…” Deidara begged.

“I need to be able to see out the fucking window, alright?!” Hidan’s voice was just getting louder and louder, people were starring, and Kakuzu did not want them to land somewhere and kick them off, "Sitting over here, not being able to see, it makes me fucking nervous!"

“Fine. Get up, Hidan.”

“Really?” Hidan asked, perking up.

“Deidara, you move, too.” Kakuzu said.

“Wh,what? But I don’t have a problem with my seat.”

“You do now, because I’m going to sit there.”

“Would you three just stop arguing about the seats?” Someone shouted from another row.

“Shut the fuck up!” Hidan shouted back.

“Yeah? Come back here and make me!”

“I will!” Hidan jumped up and was looking around, “Yeah, so where are you? Just as I thought, fucking coward!”

“Sir, please sit down.” A flight attendant said.

“But someone-”

“Hidan.” Kakuzu growled, and looked around the plane, looking for whoever had been yelling at them, but there was only silence, “Whoever said that can meet us after we land.”

“Sir, there will be no fighting and no threats made on this flight.” The attendant said, “And if you do not sit down and not shouting, the pilot will be forced to make an emergency landing and you three will be escorted off.”

"Emergency landing? Where? In the fucking ocean?" Hidan demanded.

"Sir, this is your last warning, if you do not stop shouting, we will land at the nearest airport and you three will be escorted off where there will be police waiting for you."

Kakuzu took a very loud breath and gave Hidan a look that promised murder if he said one more word. So Hidan stopped his shouting and a short while later had his feet curled under himself somehow and was snoring with his head in Kakuzu’s lap while drooling, making a damp patch on the front of his pants, on his other side Deidara was snoring on his shoulder, and Kakuzu just wanted to die, the flight seemed to be a never ending torture and just when he thought it couldn’t get worse, they suddenly hit turbulence and the plane dropped, causing the oxygen masks to fall.

People screamed, Hidan jerked awake as Kakuzu grabbed him to keep him from flying out of his seat since he did not have his seatbelt on. Deidara also woke in a panic, and leaped out of his seat, screaming, “We’re going down!! We’re all gonna die!! I don’t want to end up on that island from Lost!!”

Kakuzu yanked him back down, “Put your seatbelt on!”

For the next hour the plane shook and shuddered and creaked and everyone thought it would crash in the ocean, Kakuzu wishing it actually would as it looked like he pissed himself thanks to Hidan drooling, but Kakuzu did not get his wish for a crash, no one died, and the plane landed a few hours later, and after getting their bags and going through customs and Hidan having a package of meat confiscated, they got a taxi to the hotel.

“This place’s pretty nice, Kakuzu, no roaches on the walls.” Hidan said as he looked around. They took turns in the shower and while Kakuzu napped, Hidan and Deidara went out to check different toilets.

They went into a restaurant across the street and asked where the bathroom was, “It is for paying customers only.”

“Well fuck you, too.” Hidan said and walked out, “Shit, cheap bastards here, huh?”

“Yeah. Let’s check over there.”

They walked down to the corner and went into the Target and got a cart to look like they were shopping.

“This is weird.” Hidan said, looking around, “It’s like the one at home but...it’s not…”

“Yeah, why’s it got a period after the name?”

“Who knows, this is Australia, practically an alternate universe.” Hidan said. They grabbed some cookies and chocolate and tossed them into the cart, and then looked for the bathrooms, leaving the cart outside and going in. They went into one of the stalls together, “Alright, Deidara, you film this, I’ll flush.”

“Right.” Deidara got out his phone and turned on the camera, “Alright, go!”

Using his foot, Hidan stepped on the handle to flush, “Alright! Yeah! Fucking swirl backwards, bitch!”

The water did not swirl backwards, in fact it did not swirl at all.

“What the fuck?!” Hidan shouted.

“It, it doesn’t swirl!!” Deidara shouted, “No!”

“What the fuck did it do?! What was that?!”

“Why is there water coming out like that?!”

They flushed it again, and again and heard someone complaining about stupid American tourists.

“Fuck you, asshole!” Hidan shouted, flinging the door to the stall open, Deidara was zipping his pants as he came out, having took a piss while Hidan was flushing it over and over hoping for some different outcome.

They went to another shop and the same thing happened when they flushed the toilets there as well.

“Maybe these are new toilets, Hidan, maybe we need to find some old building with an old toilet.” Deidara said as they walked back to the hotel, "You know, like at home some old houses don't have the new lo-flow toilets."

“Yeah...we could just walk into some old lady’s house and demand she show us her toilet and end up in jail, uh, no thanks. Kakuzu aint gonna bail us out, he will leave us here to fucking rot.”

“Hmm...what if we advertise on craigslist? Do they have a craigslist here?” Deidara took out his phone and did a search, “Yeah, they do, hm!”

They made a quick post requesting anyone in Sydney with a toilet that swirls to contact them and give them access to their toilet for scientific research purposes.

* * *

Back at the hotel, Kakuzu was still asleep, so they decided to join him in taking a nap, Hidan wormed his way under Kakuzu’s arm while Deidara took the other bed by himself, “You better not have sex while I’m asleep.” Deidara warned.

“Nah, I’m too,” Hidan yawned, “tired…I’ll wait for you to wake up so you can watch.”

“I don’t want to be here at all while you two are having sex!”

“You’re no fun.” Hidan mumbled as he fell asleep.

Kakuzu woke to find Hidan snoring and drooling all over his arm, he rolled his eyes and got up without waking him and went to the bathroom, and as he flushed, he noted with sick satisfaction that the toilet water did not swirl at all, washed his hands and then woke up Deidara by shaking him roughly, “Wake up.”

“Huh?!” Deidara sat up, “Where am I? Kakuzu? What’s going on?!”

“You’re in Australia.”

Deidara blinked and looked around, “Why?”

“Don’t ask, get up.” Kakuzu walked over to the other bed and gave Hidan a good shake as well, “You, too, Hidan. Wake up.”

“Don’t wanna…” Hidan mumbled, then started choking on his drool and sat up, wiping his mouth, “What the fuck...Kakuzu, why’d you wake me?”

“We’re only here a few, are you going to waste the money I spent to bring you here by sleeping in the hotel room the entire time?”

“Alright, alright...I’m up…” He checked his phone, there was one new email, and he read it out loud, “Hey cunts come take a squizz at me dunny,” Hidan made a face, “The fuck’s that mean?”

“Don’t know, sounds like he wants us to piss on him, yeah, what a perv.” Deidara said.

“Yeah, I’m not into that shit.” Hidan deleted the email.

Over the course of finding a place to eat and then eating, Hidan got several more emails, one telling them to piss of back to America, and the others making little sense to them, “Why are you getting these emails?” Kakuzu wanted to know as they walked back to the hotel.

“We put an ad up asking to look at anyone’s swirling toilet.” Deidara explained, “All the ones we’ve found don’t swirl.”

“Is that why you two went to the bathroom together at dinner and spent so long in there?”

“Yeah, why else?” Hidan shrugged, “Same damn toilet. I hate this place, I want to go home.”

“We are only here a few days, so deal with it.” Kakuzu reminded him as Hidan’s phone gave an alert for another email, “And take that ad down!”

“The emails people send are funny though, I’m going to post them all online when we get home.” Deidara laughed, “Hey, let’s get some ice cream. I want to try some Australian ice cream.”  
They went to the strange Target and bought a box of ice cream bars and walked around while eating them before going back to the hotel to sleep for the night.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hidan and Deidara check out more toilets and Kakuzu gets fed up. Some local wildlife attacks and they take a trip to the ER.

Sasori called early the next morning at six, waking them all up, to confirm for the third time that Kakuzu was indeed coming to meet with him today, “I replied to your email last night.” Kakuzu grumbled into the phone, trying not to let his irritation show, “You did not need to call. We’ll be there, at two this afternoon.”

“What a dick.” Hidan grumbled, pulling the sheet over his head as Kakuzu dropped his phone on the floor and wrapped his arm back around Hidan, pulling him close and trying to get comfortable again.

“Yeah, he can be like that…” Deidara said, rolling over and going back to sleep.

They got up around ten and found something to eat and then waited around in the nearby shops until they needed to leave. Hidan and Deidara visiting the bathrooms wherever they could until Kakuzu had had enough of it.

“Can you stop going into every bathroom we come across?! It's stupid and besides, you’re going to get sick and I will not take care of you and you can both suffer on the plane home, which would make me suffer so just stop!”

“But we need to find a swirling toilet!” Hidan shouted, “Why are none of these stupid fucking toilets swirling types?!”

"Because they're just not."

“Are we taking a taxi to Sasori’s?” Deidara asked.

“No, I rented a car for today and tomorrow.” Kakuzu lead them down the street to the car rental place and they were given a small, two door hatchback.

“Cute car, hm.” Deidara said as he got in the back, "Blue, it matches my eyes." 

“Yeah, I like it, Kakuzu, this is out of character for you, nice hotel, renting a car, what gives?” Hidan asked, then he grinned, “I bet this is our honeymoon after all, isn’t it? Come here and give me a fucking kiss.” He leaned across to kiss Kakuzu who let him, and surprisingly, Hidan gave him a sweet kiss, not an x-rated one, “Have I told you I love you, lately?”

“No, but you have told me that you hated me and wanted to kill me three days ago though.” Kakuzu said, then looked in the rear view at Deidara who had his phone out and was smiling, “And Deidara, if you don’t delete the video you just took of us, I’ll strangle you and smash your phone.”

“Wh,what? I did not do any such thing. Film you two kissing?” He acted shocked and offended, “I would never! I was taking a selfie!”

“Send me the video, then delete it.” Hidan said, "And if you post that anywhere, I'm also going to kill you."

“Fine...but it’s cute…” Deidara sighed.

“We are not cute!” Hidan shouted, "We are horrible and awful and he almost killed me once during sex!"

Deidara just sighed again and looked out the window, "Sounds great, at least you get some. I haven't had any since...I can't remember it's been so long..."

Kakuzu input the address for Sasori’s into the sat nav system and started on their way as Hidan tried to give Deidara advice for getting laid.

"Maybe if you didn't spend all your time watching videos on youtube with Hidan you'd meet someone." Kakuzu told him.

* * *

Sasori’s house was modest but nice and while Kakuzu and Sasori talked business, Deidara and Hidan sat on the patio drinking wine, “This place is weird, why do we have to drink wine?” Hidan asked.

“He basically thinks beer is for losers and dulls the brain.” Deidara said, “He’s a snob.”

“Yeah, I can tell.” Hidan then sat up suddenly, wiping wine from his mouth, “The toilets!!”

They ran inside, with Deidara leading the way, and hurried past the office where Sasori and Kakuzu sat talking business.

“Are they...alright?” Sasori asked as he saw them rush by.

“We’re going to the bathroom!” Hidan yelled.

“They’re not sick are they?” Sasori asked, sitting forward, “I don’t want germs in my house. I am very careful not to bring any in with me.”

“Only sick in the head.” Kakuzu told him.

They slammed the door shut and Hidan got out his phone while Deidara got ready to flush while looking disappointed, “I have to say, Hidan, this looks like it’ll be like all the other toilets.”

“Yeah, but you never know. It might be the one! Oh, hey, I got some food coloring.” He squeezed some red dye into the toilet as he started filming, “Alright, Dei, flush this bitch!”

Back in Sasori's office, he was looking over the papers, “I think we have a deal, I just want to look over the paper work before I sign anything first, it's not that I don't trust you, but I just met you so I don't really trust you and besides, I never sign anything without reading it thoroughly, you never know what people try to sneak in. One time someone tried to-”

Sasori was rudely interrupted by cheering that quickly cut off and turned into very loud cursing and screaming, “Fucking country can’t make a goddamn piece of shit toilet properly!!! Fucking shit!! This bitch ass toilet doesn’t fucking swirl!!”

“Oh my god.” Sasori said, "Is he...is he insane? Did he forget his medication back in America?"

“Yes, actually, he did forget his medication, very terrible. He needs constant supervision. Excuse me a moment.” Kakuzu said and pushed his chair back and got up, walking quickly towards the door where all the screaming was coming from.

“Hidan, calm down, it’s just a toilet.” Deidara said.

“No!! I won’t!! I was promised backwards draining toilets and that’s what I fucking want to see!! I'm going to make this shit swirl backwards if it's the last thing I do!!”

Kakuzu opened the door and then slammed it shut, grabbed Hidan by the throat and squeezed.

“Oh my god!! You’re strangling him!!” Deidara screamed, “He’s gonna die!!” He had seen fingerprints around Hidan’s throat before but he had been told it happened during some very rough sex, but now Deidara wasn't so sure, "Let go of him!"

“He’s fine! Shut your mouth, Deidara, or you’re next!” Kakuzu growled, then turned back to Hidan who was trying to breathe in but couldn’t, so he eased up just enough to allow him a bit of air, “You are about to ruin a multi-million dollar deal for me and if you do I will tear you limb from limb and flush you down that fucking toilet and you’ll experience draining backwards first hand. You will stop your childish behavior right now, I will not hear one more peep out of you while we are here, you will not mention the fucking toilets again while we are in this country. In fact, you will never mention them again for as long as you live, which isn't going to be long if you keep this shit up! Do I make myself clear?!”

Hidan gasped, unable to speak.

“Nod once for yes, that’s your only option.”

Hidan nodded, several times and Kakuzu squeezed his throat hard, watching Hidan’s lips turn blue.

“I said nod once!”

Hidan nodded, once, his eyes looking like they were about to pop out of his skull.

“Good.” Kakuzu let go, bruises bloomed around Hidan’s throat, purple and red, “Now go back outside and drink your wine and don’t talk.”

Hidan nodded at him and they hurried outside.

“Everything alright?” Sasori asked, sitting back down as Kakuzu re-entered the office.

“Yes, everything is just fine. Their actions are in no way a reflection upon my company, those two have absolutely nothing to do with my company.”

“I believe you. So, he wants to the drains swirl backwards? Why doesn’t he just plug up a sink or a tub and watch it that way? Our toilets are clearly different from the ones you have in America, in fact the toilets you use there spend so much water to flush it is ridiculous, the rest of the world thinks you're the ones who are backwards.” 

“Well, if he can’t think of it himself, I’m not going to tell him.”

Sasori smiled, “I like how you think. Alright, Kakuzu, we have a deal.” He signed the papers and slid them across the desk, “I’ll wire you the first payment in the morning. I only go out when traffic is at it’s lightest and when places just open before too many people get there. It's when shops are cleanest and I just cannot stand crowds, too many people breathing in the same air. How about we go join your idiots outside?”

“Only one of them is mine.” Kakuzu said.

"And yet you brought both of them with you." Sasori said with a smirk.

"Are you insinuating I'm in a three way relationship with both of them?"  
  
"Not at all." Sasori said, "You just must be very close to Deidara to bring him on this trip."

Deidara was quietly telling Hidan to get out of the relationship while he still could, "Look, my man, that was pretty violent, next time he might _actually_ kill you."

"It's fine." Hidan said hoarsely, and coughed before continuing, "I liked it, it's a promise of what he'll do to me when we get the chance to be alone."

Deidara didn't have a chance to respond as Kakuzu walked out of the house with Sasori, while Hidan was massaging his throat and coughing.

“That’s a very loud cough, Hidan.” Kakuzu said, “I could hear you all the way inside. You better drink something.”

Hidan suddenly stopped coughing and drained his glass of wine, trying to moisten his throat and coughed as quietly as he could and poured himself some more. 

“How’s your art going, Deidara?” Sasori asked as he sat opposite him on a lounge chair.

“Not bad, hm, I make some decent money from it selling it on etsy.” Deidara poured himself more wine.

“True artists only make money from their art once they’ve died and been discovered.”

“Well, I still have to eat and live somewhere until that happens.” Deidara’s voice rose with each word and Kakuzu gave him a look that said to shut up.

“Ah yes, food, housing...I suppose those are necessities…”

“Like you don’t have a nice place to live and extra money?” Deidara demanded, “Look at you!”

“It was all left to me by my parents when they...when they died before their time...” Sasori said, “I’ve made very little off my art, I mostly make a living off of investments."

"Yeah, because your art is shit and no one wants it!" Deidara laughed, "Mine is far superior to yours!" He drank his wine and poured himself and Hidan another glass.

Sasori gave him a glare, "My art is beautiful, unlike your childish play-doh-like creations."

"Ch,childish?! Play-doh?! How dare you?!" Deidara sputtered and attempted to say something else but the wine was getting to him and he couldn't form a coherent word. 

Ignoring that, Sasori looked at Hidan, "What does he do? Circus tricks?”

“He’s on disability for some reason, so he gets money once a month from the government, he also won a lawsuit against Wal-Mart when he slipped on a wet floor and somehow, no one knows how as the security footage went blurry while it happened, broke a mop during his fall and it impaled him through the back of his thigh. He allows me invest his money he won into my company and he sees a hefty increase on it every quarter. But Hidan doesn’t care about money, do you?” Kakuzu asked.

Hidan simply shook his head, knowing better than to speak, because he knew Kakuzu meant every word he said back in the bathroom, and instead continued drinking, forgoing his glass and just drinking straight from one of the bottles.

“Finish your drinks, we’ll be going soon.” Kakuzu said. Hidan was more than a little drunk when they left and had to have Kakuzu buckle his seatbelt for him as he kept missing and saying, "For sure, this time, it'll go in." Kakuzu didn't want to keep hearing it and grabbed the seatbelt from him and buckled it. But at least Kakuzu could drive in quiet for once, though it only lasted a couple miles down the road before Hidan started complaining.

“You really fucking hurt me, Kakuzu...I thought this was our honeymoon.”

"You said you liked it..." Deidara reminded him.

"Now that I think about it...it was awful, I almost died."

“I liked you better when you were silent.”

“You embarrassed me...in front of Dei, in front of that little ginger kid.”

“He’s not a kid, Hidan, he’s older than us.” Deidara said, leaning forward.

“I just…” Hidan sighed, “wanted to see the drain go backwards…”

“Forget about that dumb shit.” Kakuzu snapped, “If I hear the words toilet, drains, swirling, and backwards once more, I swear I will murder you two out here! And there is most of an entire continent to hide your bodies in!”

Hidan gasped, “Kuzu!! You wouldn’t, you love me!”

“Shut. Up.” Kakuzu growled, “Let’s find somewhere to eat for dinner.”

“We should get some authentic Australian food, like bar-b-que shrimp or something,” Deidara said, “Hey, let me check my phone for authentic Australian cuisine.” He did a google search and clicked on the first page that showed up and started to read, then decided he did not actually want to eat authentic Australian food all that much, “Ok, yeah, I think I’ll pass. Just find a burger place or something like that.”

“Why? Wha's it say?” Hidan wanted to know.

Deidara passed him his phone and Hidan saw a picture of a grub, “What the fuck, they eat that shit here?” Hidan demanded, “Kangaroo? Crocodile? And here I thought we came to a civilized place, but what did I expect, they can’t even make a toilet swirl.”

"We'll just get burgers." Kakuzu said.

“Ooh, look, burgers, Kuzu!" Hidan said and flung his hand out to point and hit it hard on the window, "Owww...I hurt myself..." He rubbed his hand before putting it in front of Kakuzu's face, "Kiss it better, Kuzu..." 

Kakuzu’s mouth curved up slightly at the corners, he always found Hidan an amusing drunk, but he did not kiss Hidan's hand, and instead took it and moved it away from him, to find a place to park and asked Hidan what he wanted.

“You really do care about me, don’t you, Kakuz?”

“Of course I do, why else would I keep you around?” Kakuzu gripped his chin tighter than was necessary, “But you’re a hassle at times, Hidan, and I mean it, I don’t want to hear about toilets ever again.” As he let go, he ran his fingers over the bruises on Hidan’s throat, pressing lightly, “You can wait in the car, I’ll go get the food with Deidara.”

They decided to eat at the beach and Hidan dropped half his fries in the sand and picked them up, one by one, blew the sand off and ate them. Deidara and Kakuzu making faces as they could hear the sand against his teeth as he chewed.

"That is disgusting." Kakuzu sighed.

"You bought them for me, I can't waste them." Hidan said, "It wasn't that bad."

While Hidan was passed out on the bed snoring and Deidara was checking his email, Kakuzu took his shower and felt like an idiot as he plugged up the drain in the shower and let the water fill up, then unplugged it when it was filled enough and watched the water drain, just going straight down at first but then it began swirling backwards. Reaching out and grabbing his phone, he made a video of it and put his phone back on the counter and finished his shower. He would show Hidan later, when they got home.

* * *

One their last day, they went to see wild kangaroos and Kakuzu waited next the car and watched as Hidan and Deidara got up close and personal with the animals. Too close, in his opinion and he hoped it wouldn't end in a trip to the ER as he watched them go up to the animals.

“Uh, Deidara, maybe you shouldn’t get so close…” Hidan said as he took pictures of Deidara standing near one.

“It’s fine, look at how cute it is, it would never-” Deidara was suddenly kicked and screamed bloody murder, running away as the kangaroo chased him, lashing out at him with claws and feet.

Hidan also screamed as one started towards him and they ran for the car.

“Kakuzu! Get in the car!!” Hidan screamed.

“Oh shit…” Kakuzu got in and shut the door as Deidara and Hidan ran up to it and dove into the back seat.

“It tried to fucking kill me!” Deidara shouted, “I’m bleeding!!” His shirt was soaked in blood and torn and Hidan ripped it the rest of the way to see the extent of his injuries.

“That’s bad.” Hidan said, looking at all the cuts, “Oh hey, look.” He pointed to the cut across his chest, “That’ll look like a mouth with the right tattoo.” He drug his finger through the blood to make a big mouth, and eyes and then licked the blood off his finger.

"What the fuck, Hidan?! You're licking my blood now?!"

"Oh, yeah, sorry. Guess that's...a little weird maybe." Hidan shrugged. While Deidara was shaking and bleeding all over the backseat, Kakuzu drove them to the nearest hospital where they would spend their last day. 

They were all rather subdued as they flew home, all for different reasons, Deidara was in pain from the kangaroo attack, Kakuzu’s wallet was in pain from spending so much money and Hidan was disappointed and miserable as he stared out the window, “What’s with you?” Deidara asked, “You're not the one who had to get twenty five stitches.”

“Didn’t get to see the fucking toilets flush backwards…” He whispered, glancing over at Kakuzu to make sure he didn’t hear.

“I guess it’s a myth, their toilets aren’t made the same way.”

“Yeah but-” He froze, pink eyes growing huge, “No!”

“What?”

“Oh shit!!”

“What?!”

“Shit, shit, shit, shit!!!” Hidan screamed, “I am so fucking stupid!!”

“Well, I already knew that.” Kakuzu said, "Keep it down."

“The sinks!! I could’ve- No!!!”

“Sir! If you do not stop this screaming, the pilot will have to make an emergency landing and you will be escorted off.” The flight attendant said.

“Where would the plane land?” Deidara asked.

“New Zealand.”

After a quick mental check that New Zealand was still in the southern hemisphere, Hidan continued to scream and make a scene.

Forty minutes later the plane was forced to land and the three of them were escorted off. After getting their luggage and being questioned by police to whom Kakuzu made up a lie about Hidan forgetting his medication back home, they were released and given tickets for the next day. Finally free, Hidan raced to the bathroom with Deidara trailing behind, in no condition to run.

Kakuzu followed him in, “I am going to kill you.”

“Let me see this first, then you may kill me as many times as you wish.” Hidan said and filled the sink with water, he watched as it started to drain, and then swirled, the water flowing backwards, he cheered and Deidara clapped, “Yeah!! Look at it go!!”

“Put the dye in!” Deidara shouted, “Let’s do it again!!”

Kakuzu made reservations while they watched water go down a drain and then made them walk several blocks to the hotel.

“Your key.” Kakuzu said, handing Deidara a key card after they checked into the hotel.

“I got my own room tonight?”

Hidan felt the blood drain from his face.

“Yes, we’re going to need the privacy.” Kakuzu said, his eyes sliding over to Hidan, “I am going to make you wish you never even thought about which way the water drains.”

* * *

By morning, Hidan was exhausted and so sore he dreaded the flight home. Kakuzu had made good on his promise to kill him, he had been fucked over the sink so hard it had come loose from the wall while Kakuzu made him watch the water drain. Kakuzu then fucked him in the shower, until Hidan was begging him to stop as his blood dripped into the water and joined the swirling water down the drain, some part of Hidan finding it perversely satisfying. He had bite marks on his neck, shoulders, and fresh bruises around his throat. When they met Deidara in the lobby, he refused to look at either one, having had to listen to it all night long through the wall.

Kakuzu let Hidan sleep on him most of the way home, glad that he had finally shut up and wasn’t shrieking about drains, toilets and window seats anymore.

“Damn, Kakuzu,” Hidan said as he tried to get comfortable after finally waking up, “I’m gonna piss you off more often if that’s the kind of treatment I get afterwards. I may be in pain for the next several days but damn was it worth it.”

“Please shut up.” Deidara said, “I had to listen to you two all night.”

“I bet you fucking liked it and jerked off to it.” Hidan grinned as Deidara looked down, “Ohohoho, is that a blush? Deidara...I thought I heard you moaning a few times, what a perv you turned out to be. Next time you sleep over, I’ll make sure you get an earful. Or maybe...you like to watch?”

Deidara looked away, face burning while Kakuzu shoved Hidan down into his seat and he sucked in a breath, “Ooh, that hurt my ass!”

“Enough, don’t be a dick, Hidan, some people like to listen, or watch.”

“I don’t, it wasn’t like I could help it! I had no choice!” Deidara whispered loudly.

“Could’ve left the room, or put your headphones in or something. You didn’t though, did you? You totally liked it.” Hidan smirked, then lowered his voice, “Wanna know a secret? I may have liked knowing you could hear us.”

“I bet you did.” Deidara huffed, “You’re more of a perv than I am.”

“But he’s the biggest fucking perv out of all of us.” Hidan tossed his head towards Kakuzu and once more maneuvered his legs under him and leaned onto Kakuzu’s chest, “And if you shove me down on my ass one more time, I won’t let you invest my money this month.”

Kakuzu wrapped an arm around Hidan, “You deserved it, do you know how much you’ve cost me?”

“You love me though.” Hidan smiled and turned his face up to Kakuzu, “This was the best trip ever, let’s go somewhere again next month.”

“I am never taking you anywhere ever again. Go back to sleep.” Kakuzu closed his eyes and felt a weight against his shoulder as Deidara leaned against him.

* * *

A week later, Deidara face timed Hidan at one in the morning, "Look at this!!" He shouted.

"Look at what? Are you in the bathroom?" Hidan asked.

"Yes. Look at this shit!"   
  
"There better not be actual shit in your toilet you want me to look at, I'm not a fucking doctor!" Hidan shouted.

"Are you two on that toilet thing again?!" Kakuzu shouted from the other room, "What did I say, Hidan?"   
  
"Hidan, look! You have to see!" Deidara shouted from the phone, "Ok, ready?"  
  
"Yeah, ok, hurry up." Hidan said as Deidara flushed, "What." He watched as the toilet water swirled backwards.

"Never breathe a word of this to Kakuzu." Deidara whispered and looked up at the phone, his blue eyes growing wide, "Um, Hidan?"  
  
"Too late." Kakuzu said from behind Hidan, startling him, "I'm going to kill you both!" He reached over Hidan's shoulder and ended the call, "You two fucking idiots cost me thousands of dollars, Hidan, you're going to pay up." 

"Ooh, if it's anything like before, I'm going to enjoy this. Should have left the call on though, so he could listen again." 

Kakuzu took Hidans phone from him and called Deidara on face time, then left the phone on the couch as he drug Hidan into the bedroom.

The End.


End file.
